I’m going to hold my own hand when I tell you this (because I also need my hand held while hearing it): Kindness and helpfulness aren’t necessarily the same thing.
“‘Let me know if you need anything’ is one of the kindest text messages someone can send,” says licensed therapist Natalie Thomas, founder of The Remix Center in Dallas. “However, it is one of the hardest messages to respond to when you’re overwhelmed. When people are drowning, they don’t need another decision. They need a life raft.”
It’s literally hardwired into the brain. When someone is burned out or grieving or just barely holding it together for whatever reason, the nervous system shifts into survival mode. “When the brain is focused on survival, planning, organizing, and decision-making take a back seat,” Thomas explains. “Sometimes people are using all of their energy just to get out of bed in the morning.”
Licensed mental health counselor Lauran Hahn, founder of Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, explains it through a neuro perspective. During high stress, “we are operating more from the limbic system in our brains and less from our prefrontal cortex, so it’s oftentimes difficult to figure out what we need exactly in the moment.”
Translation? The part of your friend’s brain that could answer “what do you need?” has checked out. Not to mention, “whatever you need” is trickier than it sounds.
Grief therapist Dr. Shirley Shani Ben Zvi unpacks everything that phrase actually asks a person to do: figure out what you need, decide if it’s OK to ask you for it, work up the effort to actually ask, and then brace for the possibility that you can’t deliver anyway. “Your kind, well-intentioned suggestion creates decision-making fatigue,” she says. “Most of us cannot really do ‘whatever you need,’ which means that even though we mean the sentiment, in real life, these are empty words.”
And for moms specifically, there are systemic expectations layered into all of this.
“Women are taught, both implicitly and explicitly, to do it all. We are taught not to be a burden to others,” says Skye Ross, a licensed clinical social worker and perinatal mental health specialist. “Although you have offered help, you are still putting a struggling friend in the position of asking you for what she needs. A friend who is burned out doesn’t want to reach out or tell you what to do. They need you to demonstrate that you hear them and will take the initiative to help.”
What does that mean? Well, it means a more attentive approach is to make your message a statement, not a question. As Hahn notes, “many people struggle with accepting help, but if it comes in an assertive statement, it’s much easier to receive the support.”
Here’s what that actually sounds like.